Let Them Alone: When Conflict Cannot Be Fixed

It's so interesting to see how Jesus handled conflict. He didn't shy away from it. He simply said it like it was – clearly and forthright.

“Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.  But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God,” he is not to honor his father or his mother.’ And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you; 'This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far away from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of men." (Matthew 15:2-9)

Then the disciples came and said to Him,

"Do You know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this statement?” (Matthew 15:12) 

Jesus answered His disciples:

"Let them alone, they are blind guides of the blind. And if a blind man guides a blind man, both will fall into a pit." (Matthew 15:14)

What, no running back to the Pharisees to make them understand? Wasn’t it pertinent to change their minds? 

Nope. Jesus knew that the Pharisees hearts were made up and He was focused on simply telling the truth. Jesus allowed people the freedom to choose Him or not - even if that meant walking out painful consequences. He understood that it was better to suffer for doing good, rather than suffering in vain. He trusted that His Father would uproot any plant that He did not sow and He knew there would be many.

Christ was prepared to complete His mission - to carry His cross all the way to Golgatha, for all those who would believe Him.

As I read this passage, I thought about the times I’ve gotten sidetracked from my mission by fretting over people who have chosen to misunderstand me by leaning on their own perspective.  Isn’t that what the Pharisees did with Jesus? 

All I can ever do when facing this kind of conflict is to check my own heart motive by evaluating myself for sin and surrendering to Christ. If I must suffer in a conflict, I should always do so, by participating in His plan – by being honest and forthright, by trusting God and observing healthy boundaries. I must understand that not all conflicts can be fixed. Sometimes, we must choose to be okay when the world is messy.

Grateful for grace,

This article on the cultural implications of turning the other cheek and walking the extra mile is very interesting, and pertinent to the example I've written about today. 

Please understand that this is a personal blog, and this little note about conflict  is not intended to be comprehensive in nature. For further understanding about boundaries and conflict, I recommend the following resources: 

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Gossip: Separating Close Friends

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9

I was thinking about this verse today. I realized that when I listen to someone who is gossiping, I too, am participating in separating close friends. Sometimes I listen because I don't know what to say, or I just don't want to be rude. Or perhaps I want to support the person because I care for them. But am I really supporting them in a healthy way when they are "repeating a matter?" In the past few days, I've written about checking motives for speaking, but after thinking about it, I think it might also be prudent to check my motivation for why I might listen to gossip. It's not enough to simply declare, "I will not gossip, nor will I listen." What is it in my heart that allows me to participate in this destructive behavior? Note: While I am writing about me in a transparent manner, I do so because I know I’m not the only one. So if you are on this journey with me, I encourage you to avoid answering this question in an oversimplified manner. Don't answer "sin." Be more specific. In your quiet time, name the motives that the Lord makes evident and ask Him to lead you in wisdom. I think for many Christians, gossiping and listening to gossip, is not about malice, but rather it is about the fear of conflict. The gossiper is afraid to confront the person she is talking about and so they go the path of least resistance - speaking with an non-confrontational person instead. On the other side of it, the listener likes supporting her friend, but may be afraid to offend the gossiping friend by holding her accountable. So the cycle continues. It is important to understand that conflict is not a bad thing, but rather, it is an opportunity to become more like Jesus. Asking someone to stop gossiping is not easy. It's uncomfortable and may cause conflict, but when we thoughtfully hold our friends and ourselves accountable, we are loving like Jesus and building unity in Him. Grateful for grace,

P.S. While I'm sure there are folks who gossip with malicious intent, that is beyond the scope of this note. Affiliate Links Below

When Our Expectations Blind Us to the Miracle

"Do miracles happen anymore?  Does God really care about us?  Will He answer our prayer?"

This question has come up in several recent conversations. An aging neighbor, a disbelieving brother, and a questioning child.  As I have spoken with each person, there has been a common theme.  

.

unreasonable expectation + undeniable impatience + the blame game = spiritual blindness

We want what we want and we want it now.   When we don't get what we expect, our unbelieving hearts want to play the blame game.  "Well, if God doesn't answer my prayer then it must mean He isn't there, He doesn't care, or He is indifferent to my needs. It's all His fault."  We are, essentially, saying, "If God would only do what I want, then everything would be okay. If He doesn't do what I want then I'm going to have a temper tantrum and I will blame Him for not serving me."

After all:

My brother needs to be delivered from.......

My daughter is being bullied by.....

My sister has been diagnosed with.....

My husband is addicted to.......

I was just laid off and need.....

We are homeless and must have.....

My son has a learning disability and needs two thousand dollars for......

We pray, "Lord give me guidance about my career," and then expect Him to materialize before our eyes, or give us a sign within the next twenty-four hours. What if Lord's guidance happens over weeks, months, or years?

We pray, "Lord, deliver my brother from drugs and alcohol," and then we want our loved one to wake up in the morning, a changed person.  What if delivering your loved one from drugs and alcohol means that they must go to jail first?  What if they need to become homeless and destitute before they reach the end of themselves? Are you willing to support God in those plans? Will you trust Him when His plan opposes your own ideas?  What if jail time is part of the miracle?

Our vision is limited on this side of heaven.  We lean on our own understanding.  We forget that Jesus is the CAPTAIN OF SALVATION!

"For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings." ~Hebrews 2:10

I have learned that the best thing I can do for myself is to both work at adopting the perspective of Christ, and willfully submitting to His perfect plan for myself and my loved ones - even when I don't understand.

God's ways are very different than our own.

Remember, Mary, Martha and Lazarus in John 11?

Lazarus had become seriously ill and died while Jesus was away.  Immediately, we see the disciples getting all worked up because they were worried for Jesus' safety.  Go back to Judea?  Didn't the Judeans try to stone them there?  Then the disciples argued that if Lazarus had fallen asleep, he would get better.  They wanted to stay right where they were and tried to convince Jesus that He should listen to them! Oh my gosh, does that sound familiar?  Ever try to convince the Lord that your way is the right way?

The Lord had to spell it out to His followers..."Listen, Lazarus is dead and I'm glad that we were not there, so that when I awaken Him, you will believe."  Jesus was glad because He had a higher motivation than preventing pain or suffering.

So Jesus returns to Judea and upon His arrival, Mary grievously declares,

"Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died."~John 11:21

Yet, that is exactly what had happened. Lazarus died because that was God's will. The purpose?  That all who witnessed his resurrection would believe.  God required Lazarus to suffer and die.  Mary and Martha were required to grieve and go through the process of saying goodbye to their brother. They prepared his body for burial, and laid him in the tomb. God had called them all to suffer, so that they, and everyone watching them, would believe.

Jesus could have healed Lazarus the moment he became ill.  He could have rushed back to Judea and prevented the pain and sorrow of loosing a loved one, but Jesus chose to wait two days before leaving for Judea.  He chose to let Lazarus die.  He knew it would hurt Mary and Martha - and when He experienced their grief first hand, He wept with them.

Mary and Martha had desired the miracle of healing, but what Jesus gave them was the miracle of resurrection, and an opportunity to believe.

So when we pray, we should anticipate great things, but it is best to lay down our expectations at the Cross, and trust in the goodness of Christ.  When we rest in the understanding that He knows better than we do, we are in the perfect position to watch a blessing unfold - and we can be grateful, because thanksgiving always precedes a miracle.

 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4: 6-7

 Are you working on adopting the perspective of Christ and trusting Him when life is hard?  These resources have helped me:

With joy,

War of Words - Chapter 13 - Choosing Your Words

In the final chapter of War of Words, Mr. Tripp shares how we might be intentionally redemptive in our communication with others. This chapter is the one I refer to most often when tackling a difficult situation. 

First he reminds us that before we speak we should check our own heart.  It's akin to taking the plank out of our own eye, before we tackle the speck in someone else's eye.

1.  Have I confessed my sin to God?
2.  Have I acknowledged God's grace to me?
3.  Have I said, "No," to my selfish desires and sin nature?
4.  Have I said, "Thank you," to God for allowing me to be apart of His plan of redemption?

Next, Mr. Tripp leads us through the process of how we might choose to speak words of truth, love, restraint, grace and forgiveness. Each of these subheadings are filled with helpful questions and Scripture references that guide us in helping us to take our communication captive to Christ.

Choosing Words of Truth

There is so much meat in this chapter, but what I most like are the questions he directs us to ask ourselves as we prepare to speak.

What truths of Scripture interpret and explain this situation?  Remember we tend to interpret our circumstances, but we don't always interpret in a Biblical manner.  We must seek the Lord in our circumstances.

What does God want to show this person about himself, his love and grace, his will and his truth?  We are often a spiritually blind people.  Our circumstances loom large and the devil makes them seem even larger, which crowds the Lord from our view.  Our job is to speak the gospel to ourselves and others each day.  We need the reminder.

What does God want to show this person about himself? We are often blind to the lessons the Lord wants us to see in our circumstances.  As brothers and sisters in Christ, we must lovingly hold up the Word of God as a mirror for each other.  The healthiest decision we can make is to walk in the light, rather than hide in self-deception.  Neither should we enable our friends and family to deceive themselves.

What does God want to show this person about others?  Again, self-deception is a horrible place to be.  Are we thinking about our children, husband, friends, and neighbors in a Biblical manner?  Or are we wallowing in our sin? 

How can I best help this person to understand these things? Lectures don't work, but questions, stories, Scripture passages, metaphors might help them see?  What understanding of the person I am speaking with will help me relate better with them?

"Listen to the talk that goes on in your home.  How much of it is impatient and unkind?  How often are words spoken out of selfishness and personal desire?  How easily do outbursts of anger occur?  How often do we bring up past wrongs?  How do we fail to communicate hope? How do we fail to protect? How often do our words carry threats that we have "had it," and are about to quit?  Stop and listen, and you will see how much we need to hold our talk to this standard of love, and how often the truth we profess to speak has been distorted by sin." ~Choosing Your Words, War of Words

Convicting isn't it?

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." Ephesians 4:29-30

                                                            ~~~~~

Discussion: What promises of the gospel encourage you as you answer God's call to change?

~~~~~

Mr. Tripp has done a remarkable job in teaching Biblical communication skills in a way in which we can all relate.  He imparts wisdom in a straightforward and non-threatening manner which inspires us to seek change. Each chapter contains bite size pieces of truth that are given with much grace and patience. I have read this book cover to cover many times, and each time I walk away with a better understanding. 

War of Words is a must have for every family. I require each of my children to read it prior to their high school graduation, and because I am a forgetful sinner, I choose to read this book at least once a year.

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Grateful for grace,
 

War of Words - Chapter 12 - Winning the War

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What does winning the war of words look like?

Mr. Tripp gives us several points to consider.

We must understand that words can be destructive. Our job in the heat of the battle is to, "exercise the faith necessary to be a part of what God is doing at that moment." Each of us must consider what this may mean in our own day to day circumstances. For me, it has meant that I must listen carefully for the glimpses of my daughter's heart as she goes through a very emotional time in her preteen years. It means I must refrain from jumping to conclusions, and that I must listen more than I speak. God has asked me not to discipline every negative remark, but to choose to focus on what God is doing in my daughter's life and to encourage that growth first. With my teenage son, the Lord has given me the wisdom to help him learn to take his thoughts captive to Christ. So instead of getting all over his case about something he did, God has asked me to help him think through his choices so that he can identify the point where he went wrong. In both circumstances, God has given me the directive to speak the gospel to my children everyday. As a Christ follower, my words should speak life.

Jesus has set us free from sin and death, but that does not give us a right to abuse our freedom. We were not set free to indulge our sin natures. That is not freedom at all. We were set free to love others with abandon. Grace takes us away from sin and brings us to our calling to live lives that love the Lord with our words and actions.

Winning the war means that we are willing to say no to our selfish, sinful selves. I cringe to think of a time early in my parenting when I found my boys in the living room with toys strewn all about them.  In the midst of the mess I discovered that they had finished playing a Playstation game and left the disc on the floor.  I picked it up, and having found it damaged by scratches, I felt the anger rise up into my head.  I was a young Christian then, and my answer to their thoughtlessness that day was to yell, at them for being irresponsible.  Then to prove my point and punish them in a way they would always remember, I cracked that the disc in half and slammed it into the wastebasket.  This memory makes me shudder.

 "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." ~Galatians 5:24

I didn't choose to belong to Jesus that day.  I chose to belong to myself.  Those two young boys are now 23 and 21 years old, and they remember that day vividly.  Thankfully, they can laugh about it now. Praise God for that kind of grace. But did my impatient outburst help them to be less irresponsible? Did it assist me in influencing their hearts for good? No, it did not, but God wasn't finished with me yet! In His mercy, He taught me to crucify my flesh and gave me the ability to put on a new self.  He taught me to give my children firm boundaries, loving accountability, and abundant grace.

Gaining ground in the battle for our words happens when we are willing to serve others instead of ourselves. This does not mean that we are a doormat!  It means we are working with Christ in setting firm boundaries with a Christ centered heart motivation and then participating in His redemptive plan for every person in our lives.

This year my daughter battled a fear of math.  Her fear was so intense that there were days which she absolutely refused to complete her lesson.  At any point, I could have joined her in jumping off the deep end, but I knew God had something much more important for her to learn than math.  He was working on trust and submission.  I could have forced her to do all the problems in the lesson.  I could have taken away all of her privileges.  I could have yelled just as loudly as she was yelling in protest.  Instead, the Lord led me to listen to her words and help her see what her struggle was really all about.  It was not easy, and I did cry out to friends for support and prayer.  My daughter did experience natural consequences - she is now half of a year behind in math, and she will need to work through the summer to catch up.  The important part is this: My daughter learned that she can overcome by facing her fears.  She learned that I love her no matter what. She saw God at work in me, because in all of this, God gave me the supernatural ability to keep my cool, while she melted down in hot tears and unreasonable fear. She experienced grace, even though she did not appreciate it at first.  Eventually, that grace became a balm that soothed her anxiety.  In the past several weeks, my daughter has completed her math lessons by herself with no tears, and no complaints.  She occasionally dreads math, but she knows she can do it.   I don't think that would have happened if I had become a stone wall and demanded that she get it done.  Laying down my desire for ease and my expectations that she just get over this, gave my daughter new life in Christ and a measure of victory over fear.

Speaking in step with the Spirit is born of humility. We are all works in progress. Not one of us has arrived at the proverbial gates of perfection on this side of Heaven. Instead of seeing our children, spouses, and people within our communities as people who need to grow up and get with the program, because of Christ, we can see each circumstance as an opportunity to grow in the fruits of the Spirit.  Every difficult encounter is an opportunity to know Jesus better and a way to become more like Him.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ~Galatians 5:22-23

Before we speak, let's examine our hearts.

The people in our lives do not belong to us.  They belong to God.  As we walk through life, our relationships should reflect the truth that we are but instruments in the Redeemer's hands.  God's goal in sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to be the payment of our sins - is restoration.  He wants us to be restored to Himself.  So our business here on earth, is to join Him in His work.

~~~~~

Where do you see restorative work that needs to be done around you?  How can your words help?  What daily opportunities do you have to be part of what God is doing in others?

Still need the book? Click on the image below.

 


Another recommended resource:




Grateful for grace,

War of Words - Chapter 11 - Turning

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"Rend your heart and not your garments.  Return to the Lord your God." Joel 2:13

This chapter, First Things First, is about turning.  Turning away from the old way and turning toward God's way of communicating with others.

Have you ever spoken the truth to someone before you checked your own heart?  Do you make sure your motivations are right?   Will you tear down with your words, or will you align yourself with Jesus and point the way to love?  Will you speak in a healthy manner, or as Mr. Tripp said, "will you add layers of difficulty to the problem at hand?"

The gospel gives us promises of forgiveness, deliverance, restoration, reconciliation with God, wisdom and mercy.  Our words can be a picture of these promises, but we must be willing to submit to the Holy Spirit as we speak.

Practically speaking, what does that look like?

Step One:  Consider your ways.

 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. James 1:22-25

Step Two:  Confess sinful attitudes and words.  We must acknowledge that there is a spiritual battle going on in each of us as we communicate with others.

Step Three:  Commit our way to the Lord.  Our sinful nature helps us to forget to use our words in a Christ-like manner.  We must determine to work on our own hearts first.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:12-17

I loved the idea that Paul gives us here in getting dressed for the occasion of communicating with one another.  So what do we wear?  Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Step Four:  Change. 

"Repentance is a change of heart that leads to a radical change in your life, in its relationships and daily situations. Since it is out of the heart  that the mouth speaks, heart change will always lead to communication change."  First Things First, War of Words

We must take off the old self and put on the essence of Christ.  This does not give us the power to change people, but it gets our sinful nature out of the way and allows others to see God much more clearly!

"Confront one another with the presence and glory of Christ.  Reinforce the reality that he is here and active.  Be a window to His glory!" First Things First, War of Words

The heart of this chapter is loving action.  Love is a humble verb.   It doesn't separate people as good or bad.  It doesn't label one man as having arrived, while seeing another man as permanently stuck in Sinville.  Love recognizes that, "God is not only working on you, but  He is also working on me."

Do you still need the book?  You can get it here:

 


Grateful for grace,

War of Words - Chapter 10 - A Redemptive Perspective

Perspective is where God has been working the most in my life. The way we see people and circumstances colors our behavior and communication.

Before I knew Jesus, my perspective was all about me - I saw all things from the perspective of how it affected me:

I want.... I need...  You must.... You have to....

When I turned to Jesus, He began to work on me in terms of thinking about the perspective of others:

How do my words and actions affect the people in my life?  How am I influencing others for good or for bad?

During this stage of my walk with Christ, he also showed me that I trusted man more than I trusted God.  I would turn to man for counsel, before I sought the Lord.  I became crushed by the opinions of others, instead of being confident in Christ.  Instead of being hungry for Jesus, I was hungry for approval.  Fear kept me from speaking and living redemptively.

But God is faithful.  He didn't leave me there.  He continued to refine me by heating up my circumstances and skimming off the dross that surfaced.

In the last many years, the Holy Spirit has been infusing my heart with His perspective, and this chapter of War of Words has played a part in that.

"I realized that how I handle situations--what I say--is very important.  Either I am taking control and handling things in the way that seems best to me, or I am responding in a way that makes me part of what God wants to do through the circumstance." ~Frank and Ellen, page 160, War of Words

Adopting the Lord’s redemptive perspective is the most loving action we can perform in our relationship with others. When we ask the Lord what He wants to accomplish in our circumstances with others, we are loving Him with our obedience, and we are loving the people He has placed in our lives by communicating His way. It’s a win – win situation!

"We must never think of ourselves as objects of His covenantal  love without also thinking of ourselves as a conduit of that love to others." ~War of Words

In other words, God is committed to loving us, so we should be committed to loving others - His way.

It is important to note that we also recognize that we are joining the Lord in His work.  We are not supposed to do the work for Him.  Contrary, to many Christian authors, we are not God's helpers.  God does not need our help.  There is a big difference between God desiring our obedience, and God needing our help.  We serve a powerful and almighty God.  We must not forget that.  He does not need us.  He wants us.  Ponder that.  Let His love empower you to obey.

We are not here to be self-righteous, judgmental or haughty.

"Rather, God is saying that when He chooses to expose another's sin to us, we are to respond with self-sacrificing, redemptive love.  We go to our neighbor and honestly and clearly confront him with his sin -- not so that he would submit to our judgments, but so that he would submit to God's and seek His mercy and grace.  We want God, His will, and His mercy to loom large in the conversation--not us."

Lastly, I loved the encouragement that the Great Commission is a lifestyle.  As an introvert, this was comforting.  I have never felt called to participate in door to door evangelism. Yet, I have felt the pressure of man to perform in this way.  I have struggled with guilt and condemnation, but I realize that this is lie from the enemy fabricated to discourage and discredit those of us who are more introverted.  It's okay for someone else to canvas neighborhoods.  I need to do the job that the Lord calls me to do, and not worry about the rest.   God has led me to share Jesus with others in my day to day life, so that is what I will continue to do.

So, how about you?  Where do you struggle in communicating redemptively?  Has fear caused you to trim the truth, avoid issues, or excuse someone's sin rather than confront him?

Still need the book?  You can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

For more information on living redemptively, I recommend: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Resources for Changing Lives)

Grateful for grace,

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Being Present Today

"Something gets lost when we rush from one moment to the next, when we try to squeeze too much out of the times we're supposed wait.  Something is sacrificed when we race through the valley to get to the mountaintop, when we hurry past those in need on our way to the next appointment."  ~Jeff Goins, The In-Between, Part One: Slow Down

As a middle aged mother to four children - three of whom are all grown up, I've been pondering my yesterdays.  The problems in this season of life are about college and career choices, relationships and other issues related to flying away from the nest.  I've said more than once recently, "I miss the days when the hardest problem we had was helping Matt sleep through the night, or teaching Andrew to read."  Those days were so precious!  Yet, I remember wishing them away as a young mother.

"I can't wait until Matt sleeps through the night."

or

"When Andrew learns to read, I'm going to have so much time to...."

I didn't understand that one day Matt would sleep all night long, and I would no longer have the privilege of stroking his forehead, singing my favorite hymns and soaking up the sweet smell of him.  I couldn't comprehend that little Andrew was going to grow up and we would no longer giggle about reading,  "The rat is on the mat - do not hit him with a bat!" These moments passed into far-away memories - little pieces of my heart.

So now I am learning to treasure the present.  Just as my memories of childhood past are precious, so must I see the riches the Lord is giving me today.  I must choose to be deliberately present...to accept God's will with joy.  I want to enjoy what God is teaching me as my children face their college and young adults trials, simply because I know that we will not go this way again.  So right now, we have college courses, a trade school graduation, friendships, first cars, driving motorcycles, and learning Jesus in the midst of it all.

God has so much goodness for me right now, right here.

Recommended reading: The In-Between: Embracing the Tension Between Now and the Next Big Thing

Grateful for grace,







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War of Words - Chapter 9 - Confrontation

Chapter nine of War of Words, is titled, "Citizens in Need of Help," shares the pitfalls of confrontation and offers a Biblical model that will lead others to Jesus.

"Yes, we dread confrontation because we don't like to look at our sin, but we also dread confrontation because of the troublesome and un-biblical way we've seen it handled.  There are legitimate reasons for our dread of rebuke." ~War of Words, Citizens in Need of Help

Commons pitfalls:

1.  Confusing our personal feelings of anger or offense with God's perspective and purpose.  Anger can distort our perspective and our personal frustration can overshadow our communication. Biblical priorities often get crowded out by our own sinful nature.

2.  Poor data gathering.  We are impatient people.  We jump to conclusions.  We make assumptions.  We do not take the time to clarify words.  We must be careful to know what is real.

3.  Judging the motives of the heart.  When folks confront each other we not only rebuke one another for an action, but we often assume we know the reason behind the wrongful action.  We may be correct that the action was wrong, but we can be completely off-base when we judge others for the heart motivation behind the wrongful action.

4.  Using sensational language, condemnation, and emotional tones.  These only throw up gigantic roadblocks.  The person being confronted will not hear what is important because the wrongful attitude of the speaker splashes darkness on the whole conversation.

5.  Being adversarial.  In a nutshell, we forget that we are sinners too.  We get on our high horses and forget that we are just the same as the one we are confronting.  What we need to do is get down in the dirt with our friend, as a fellow sinner, saved by grace - through faith, and we need to humbly confront in love.

6.  Using Scripture as a weapon, rather than as a mirror.  Our goal is to help people see themselves in light of Scripture.  We are not there to judge.  We are there to patiently lead them through the Word and allow God to work within them.

7.  Confusing God's will with our own.  We need to take ourselves out of the equation.  We are not there to get others to live in the way that we think is right.  Confronting a person calls them to follow Jesus, not ourselves.

8.  Not remembering that confrontation usually takes place in the context of a broken relationship.  Many times rebuke happens when two people are hurting.  Confrontation is best handled when the ground rule is love and trust.  (Not judgment and condemnation)

9.  Demanding that change be immediate.  This is an unrealistic expectation.  Change is often a process.

The heart of this chapter was refreshing.  When it comes down to it, we all need help with confronting our sin.  Why?

The heart is deceitful above all things
    and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it? ~Jeremiah 17:9

I loved the ENCOURAGE acrostic on pages 153-155 to help us remember the Biblical model of confrontation.  So much wisdom!

What Scripture passages help you face your sin and continue in your fight with it?  How has your experience of confrontation helped or hurt you in confronting others?

If you still need the book, you can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Grateful for grace,

 *This post contains affiliate links.

War of Words - Chapter 8 - Practical Steps

Chapter Eight, "Getting to the Destination," is filled with the practical steps that will help us begin to speak more like Christ.

1.  Don't give into regret.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of playing the "If Only," game.  If only I had spoken more kindly.  If only I could take my words back.  If only I had been more mature.  "If Only," is a destructive distraction - a tool of the devil.  You can't go back and change anything.  God was certainly working in your past, but He is not working there now.  He is at work in your present.  God always gives us what we need when He thinks we need it.  His timing is perfect.  So, we must trust in His grace and join Him in His work right now.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~Romans 8:28

2.  Embrace gospel hope.  Pastor Tripp encourages us to see our communication struggles as sin that can be overcome by the blood of Jesus.  We must never see our struggles as a sign that God has abandoned us.  That is a lie! 

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.^{" ~Psalm 46:1-3}

God knew that we would need help and that is why He gave us the Holy Spirit.  It is in the power of the Holy Spirit that we will overcome the War of Words.

^"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:20-21

3.  Examine your fruit.  We all need a foundation of truth.  We shouldn't whitewash our sinful communication and hope for the best.  Before we can be transformed, we must see our behavior in the light of Christ.  We need to unpack our words and place everything on the table in full view.  Taking an inventory will position us to receive the important lessons that God is trying to teach us.  What is the general pattern of our communication?  Do our words lead to discouragement, condemnation and division?  Or do they encourage faith? "

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."  ~Galatians 6:7

4.  Uncover your roots.  The words that come from our mouths simply reflect what is already in our hearts. People and the circumstances that are in our lives do not make us speak in a certain way.  Mr. Tripp makes the point that our hearts control our words, and "People and situations simply provide the occasion for the heart to express itself."

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." ~Luke 6:45

5.  Seek forgiveness.  The question here is, "What specific sins of communication (both heart and mouth -- see Luke 6:46) is the Lord calling me to confess to him or to others?"  When we seek forgiveness from God and others, we begin to turn from our old, unhealthy ways.  This is part of taking off the old self and putting on the new self. 

^"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." ~Ephesans 4:20-24

6.  Freely grant forgiveness.  This is a difficult, but crucial step in submitting our words to the Lord.  When we refuse to forgive those who have hurt us with their words, we are worshiping ourselves, rather than Jesus. I see forgiveness as an accounting ledger.  When someone sins against me, I transfer the debt of the offense to the Lord's column.  The debt remains there until Judgment Day - when the blood of Jesus will cancel the debt of those who trust in Him.  If the person does not trust in Christ, then sadly, the debt will be paid with their own blood.  I pray that does not happen.  I know Christ would want them to be saved, and I work at adopting the attitude of His heart.  When I refuse to forgive, I am not leaning toward Christ.  I am running away from Him and that attitude will always cause me difficulty in my communication with others.


7.  Change the rules.  Remember, in Step 5 we began to put off the old way and put on the new way.  Step 7 is the culmination of that process.  We commit to putting off the old, unhealthy ways of communication and instead choose to put on healthy, Biblical communication.  In fact, we're so committed that we are willing to be accountable to one another. 

^"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 Peter 1:3-8

8.  Look for opportunities.  See all your communication with others as an opportunity to learn the ways of Jesus.  This is a perspective shift.  Instead of dreading difficult communication, we can be bold as we learn to rely upon His leading as we speak with others.

9.  Choose your words.  Our words must be acceptable to God and they must be for the good of others.  I have learned that there is a right time for words as well.  We can choose to be the clanging cymbal in 1 Corinthians 13, if we speak without love.  We can choose to throw pearls to pigs, when we waste what is holy upon those who either do not value it, or are simply not ready for it.  Or, we can choose to be prudent with our words:

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken in right circumstances." ~Proverbs 25:11

10. Confess your weaknesses.  The grace of Jesus covers us!  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Say, "No!" to the stained glass masquerade.  We don't have to be perfect to bring God glory. He knows our condition.  It is in our weakness that His power is made perfect.  Nothing will separate us from His love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39

11.  Don't give the devil an opportunity.  Satan is a liar and an accuser.  We must commit ourselves to honesty and humility. Satan, "lives in the darkness.  He works in our silence.  When we bring issues into the light, when we put them on the table, we give him little room to work." (Paul David Tripp, War of Words, Getting to the Destination)  We need to be discerning of the enemy's methodology.  We should listen to others carefully and always speak truthfully.


Have you been tempted to believe the lies of the enemy?  Have you played the "If Only," game?  What communication regrets do you need to leave behind?

This is the third time I've read War of Words.  I am encouraged.  I see that God has helped me put off many bad habits and my communication has been changed for my good and His glory.  I still have a way to go.  I need to work on choosing my words even more carefully with the right heart motivation.  I also need to work on letting go of the need to be vindicated.  This quote came across Facebook last week and it has stayed with me all week:

“Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” (Augustine) Jesus lived with enormous freedom in this regard. How many times did He let people walk away without saying, “Wait! That’s not what I meant! Don’t think ill of me!” This spiritual strength will serve us so well in marriage and parenting, not to mention in work life and friendships." ~author, Gary Thomas

I care too much about what others think of me.  God has exposed an area in which I have work to do.  Make me more like you, Jesus.

Do you still need the book?  You can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Recommended Reading:

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy

A Lifelong Love: What If Marriage Is about More Than Just Staying Together?

And for my young, single friends:

The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

Grateful for grace,

 *This post contains affiliate links.

War of Words - Chapter 7 - What Is My Mission?

I decided to rewrite this blog, and as life would have it, I ended up putting it on the back burner as I dealt with a difficult situation involving communication.  I have been ruminating upon the principles I learned on my first trip through this book, and I decided I need to read this chapter again before I spoke.  So after taking some time to seek the Lord and recover from my negative experience, I am ready to speak from a better perspective.

Chapter 7, War of Words, is all about speaking for Jesus.  There was a time in my life when I was all about "telling the truth," and boy, oh boy, I did that to a fault!  Legalism had become my friend and it wrought havoc in my relationships for a time.

I went to a church in which the truth was slung at people as a weapon. It was an accuser and always made it's wielder feel a bit more superior than others.  As a result, truth injured, rather than bringing healing and growth.  Thankfully, the Lord used this book to help me learn a better way.

Mr. Tripp teaches us several principles of surrendered communication which are derived from 2 Corinthians 5.

1.  We need to speak with an understanding that we are God's ambassadors.  We are not to serve our own interests.  We are here to serve Jesus.  So that means we do not have the freedom to use our talk to advance our own desires.

2.  Ambassadors need to speak out of a clear understanding of the King's mission.  What is the mission of Christ?  His mission is to speak to the heart of all men - that they may trust in Him and be saved.  The first question I ask myself is, "Am I loving others like Jesus, as I communicate?"  I must remember that every word I speak reflects my own heart.  My words show my listener who or what I am worshiping. Am I worshiping my own desires and time, or am I worshiping Jesus and speaking as He leads?

3.  Ambassadors need to speak with an understanding of the King's methods. 

"An ambassador is called not only to say what the King would say, but to say it in the way he would say it." ~Speaking for the King, War of Words

We are not free to say whatever we want in any manner we choose to say it.  Our hearts must be surrendered to Christ.  Love should be our motivation.

"I want to hang on to offenses, and to replay the offense over and over again in my head (Ephesians 4:26-27).  I want to move people by the force of my hurt and anger, rather than by patient, humble forgiveness (James 1:20).  I speak too quickly and find it tiresome to listen patiently and attentively (v 19).  I get caught up in the heat of the moment, instead of stepping back and preparing myself to speak in a godly way. (Proverbs 15:28)

I think what strikes me is that Christ is in charge.  It is not my responsibility to change or transform people.  That is the work of God.  My job is to love people with words that are surrendered to Him.  This past week I had a disagreement with someone about an area of life in which the Bible gives us much freedom.  Instead of agreeing to disagree, I was lectured.  The words used were overwhelming and I felt belittled for not believing in the same way the speaker did.  Instead of trusting that the Lord was leading and directing me (because we are both believers), this person slung her viewpoint at me, and didn't give me any time to respond, or ask questions.  So hard...and it helped me understand the feelings of those whom I have hurt in the same way so long ago.

So grateful that the Lord's mercies are new each morning!  God gives grace and we move on.  May our words reflect His love this week!

Where in your life do you find irritation, anger, or frustration that reveals a commitment to your own agenda and not the Lord's? Are there opportunities to join in what God is doing in the lives of others?  How is God calling us to personally sacrifice as we communicate with others?

Still need the book?  You can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Love and grace,

 *This post contains affiliate links.

War of Words - Chapter 6 - Following the King For All the Wrong Reasons

It is easy to look at God as the deliverer of our dreams, rather than a sovereign God who is working to make us Holy and prepared for eternity. In this chapter, Mr. Tripp tackles our heart motivations and false expectations head on.  He says that many people are moved and motivated:

"not by a submission to God's will and a burning desire for his glory, but by our own set of personal desires and dreams." ~War of Words, Following the King for All the Wrong Reasons

I think Mr. Tripp hit the bulls eye!  I know, out of my own experience, that when I struggle with something the Lord has allowed, it is because I want something else instead. As Mr. Tripp points out, it is a struggle between physical and spiritual bread. He goes on  to say that many people come to Jesus with hopes that God will fix things the way we, ourselves, think is best. Fortunately, God is not bound to our desires! He provides a better fix  - with an eternal perspective.

"Abundant life is not your spouse, children, house, car, possessions, job, friends, or church. Abundant life is Jesus Christ!"~War of Words, Following the King For All the Wrong Reasons

One of my favorite books, Stepping Heavenward: One Woman's Journey to Godliness (Inspirational Library Series), has a line in it that says, "To Learn Christ is life." So simple isn't it? A dear friend of mine who has recently gone home to be with Jesus, once said to me, "God has been good to me. He has given me more than 80 years to learn His grace."  Amen!  His grace encompasses both the good and the bad things that come into our lives. Jesus has much to teach us in every circumstance!

So, what happens when God doesn't give us what we had expected in any particular circumstance? What if our expectations aren't anything elaborate or unusual? What if all we want is a place to sleep at night? Or a dad to love us? Or a better job?

Mr. Tripps says:

"To the degree that you have based your life on something other than the Lord, to that degree God's love and the hope of the gospel will not comfort you."~War of Words, Following the King for All the Wrong Reasons

This point was recently driven home again, while reading Rhinestone Jesus: Saying Yes to God When Sparkly, Safe Faith Is No Longer Enough by Kristen Welch.  In it Kristen talks about meeting a child while walking through a slum built atop a garbage dump in Kenya.  She was devastated at the squalor and stench, but there was a little boy with an ear-to-ear grin and she asked him why he was so happy.  His reply?  "Because I have Jesus."

Oh, how I want faith like that little child!

I am ever learning that I must exercise surrender to God. I must refocus during difficult times by taking my eyes off the circumstances and putting them onto Jesus. I must see Him as the only thing I need. When I don't, I am worshiping something else.

As I was reading War of Words I kept hearing something that was NOT being said. Mr. Tripp is not saying we should never speak words that reveal the hardship we suffer in difficult circumstances. Let's face it...life can complicated and full of thorns. People face hardship all of the time.  It's difficult to watch a child die, to survive abuse or assault, have a marriage fail, etc... The waves crash over us. Throughout the Psalms we see David describing the awful reality of persecution, warfare and sin. Those details were real and raw. He was sometimes overwhelmed...occasionally fearful, and yet, by the end of every Psalm he was praising the Lord. He never grumbled and complained AGAINST God. He simply stated the truth...and then He worshiped the Lord!

But as for me, afflicted and in pain—
    may your salvation, God, protect me.

I will praise God’s name in song
    and glorify him with thanksgiving. ~Psalm 69: 29-30

I think it's perfectly okay to be real about our difficulties. It's okay to express our sorrow and disappointment.  It is okay to grieve something that's not going to happen. It's okay to be sad. (After all, God knows our emotions anyways.) There is nothing shameful or sinful in telling the truth. We should not lock ourselves up for fear of "grumbling and complaining," or diminishing our testimony to God.

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

As long as our hearts are surrendered to Jesus, knowing that He is enough, our words will not testify negatively.  What is in our hearts will spill from our lips.  In fact, by telling the truth of our circumstances and then by continuing to walk with Him, we speak volumes for the love and power He gives us. To see someone hurting, struggling...and yet following, is a mighty testimony!! (Corrie ten Boom's  The Hiding Place comes to mind.)

However, we should not grumble or complain against God. Obviously, cursing God for our hardship is wrong. To do so, is to wave a flag in the air that says, "I worship something or someone else than God." If we find ourselves angry with God, we should immediately take heed to go to Him in confession, asking Him to help us change our hearts. We must work towards agreeing with Him...receiving in surrender whatever circumstances He has deemed appropriate for our lives.  No easy task, I know!  I don't utter these words flippantly.  I've grumbled...and repented...and struggled some more.  Sanctification is a life long process.

So, once again, we see how our right or wrong thinking affects our words.

What happens to my prayers and talk when I don't get what I want?  What happens when something prevents me from achieving my dream?  How does my talk express thankfulness to the Lord?  What happens to my talk when someone sins against me?  What happens to my prayers when my expectations are not met?

Still need the book? You can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Recommended Resources:

Stepping Heavenward: One Woman's Journey to Godliness (Inspirational Library Series)

The Hiding Place

Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts

All Things for Good (Puritan Paperbacks)

Grateful for Grace,

 *This post contains affiliate links.