Sexual Abuse: How Do We Protect Our Children?

There has been a lot of talk about preventing abuse in the home education community recently.  I'm not sure that much of the advice given has been particularly helpful.  I'm concerned that it could potentially end up harming children. I don't say that lightly.  I have continued to pray as I have read about various scandals involving well known homeschooling leaders, always seeking the Lord for wisdom. I wanted to make sure I was hearing the Lord correctly. So it is in that spirit – one of love and concern for children, that I share my words with you. I fully comprehend the pervasive damage that occurs in the heart of a child when they are sexually abused.  Not only am I a survivor myself, but many of my dearest friends have also been harmed by childhood sexual abuse. One out of every four women is sexually abused.  That statistic has certainly played out in my circle of friends.

So what will help us keep our children safe?  First, let's look at what does not keep them safe.

Things That Do Not Keep Children Safe from Sexual Sinners

1. Sexual Predator Lists do not keep your children safe from abusers. 1 in 4 girls, and 2 in 6 boys are sexually abused. Most perpetrators are relatives or friends of the abused child. Most perpetrators don't go looking to abuse. Rather, they fall into and take advantage of an opportunity. Most sexual offenders are not on a list and are never caught. Many cases cannot be prosecuted for lack of evidence. Does that mean there is no reason to have a list? No. Sexual Predator lists are in place as a deterrent to potential abusers. But these lists are an inefficient and weak means to deter sexual crime. They are often put into place by elected prosecutors and look great in political campaigns! However, these lists do not protect anyone. Do not be deceived.

2. Signs in the front yards of sexual predators do not keep your children safe from abusers. Why? Once again, most sexual offenders never get caught. They are your neighbors, your fathers, your sons, your friends, they are the guy at the post office, the leader in Boy Scouts, and your daughter's best friend's father. If you are human, sexual sin is prevalent. Don't whitewash yourself. You and I, and everyone on the planet is capable of sexual sin. (Romans 3:23 says that all have fallen short of the glory of God.) If you grasp that truth, you are less likely to be an offender. If you let that truth do its work and you set up protective boundaries, you are even less likely to be an offender.

3. Banning offenders from social groups, neighborhoods and community events will not protect your children from sexual abuse. Why? Once again, most offenders are never caught. Banning only the individuals who have been caught gives everyone a false sense of security. It causes folks to lower their defenses, and that is never a good thing.

So what will help keep our children safe from abuse? The good news is that there are measures that you can take to protect your children. The bad news is that there will always be sexual abuse. We live in a fallen world. We cannot legislate sin out of existence, but I know with my whole heart that for whatever evil is perpetrated, God is there to redeem and make new. We are not without hope.

 

Measures That Parents Can Take to Protect Their Children from Sexual Abuse

1. Be educated. Who are offenders? What are their tendencies? Read here. In a nutshell? Offenders look like nice people, both men and women, but they lack boundaries and can have (but not always) a host of other questionable behaviors. They do not look like the boogie man. Generally, they look like great friends. You don't have to be paranoid, but you must be aware and able to set boundaries appropriate to your situation.

2. Walk in the Light. This issue is not about trusting people. In fact, trusting people should never come into play, but rather, reality should be your guide. Read this short, five part guide in protecting your child from sexual abuse: From Darkness to Light: Five Steps to Protecting Our Children. It includes the heartbreaking statistics of childhood sexual abuse. That's reality. Let it soak in.

3. Educate your children. Children need to know what is safe touch and what is not. They need to understand that they have the right to control who comes into their personal space. They must feel absolutely comfortable in telling you anything and they must know that you will believe them first...and that you will investigate later. They have to understand that when someone violates their personal space it is never their fault. They must be educated in an age appropriate manner. Not educating them is not a healthy option.

Kid Power (Instead of Stranger Danger, teach Stranger Safety)

I Said No! A Kid to Kid Guide for Keeping Your Private Parts Private  (Teaches Boundaries)

The Safe Touch Coloring Book

Your Body Belongs to You

There is no perfect curriculum or resource.  The best way to impart the knowledge your child needs to help prevent sexual abuse, is to empower your children with love, unconditional acceptance and open communication.  A healthy relationship will give them confidence and that will make them less of a target.

4. Set boundaries and do not apologize for them. Boundaries require discernment, forethought and hard choices, but the fruit is often safety and peace. That said, there are no guarantees in a fallen world.

“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.” ~Titus 2:11-14

Areas in Which to Consider Creating Boundaries:

Sleepovers - Here are interesting thoughts on sleepovers from Tim Challies. James Dobson shares his opinions here.

Being alone with anyone of significant age difference, whether friend, teacher, tutor, or relative.  (Significant age difference is +4 to 5 years or more) This is especially true if the older individual is in a position of authority. It is possible to have healthy one on one time without being entirely alone or private.  For example, if tutoring is necessary, a public library or other populated place is more appropriate than an empty home.  If your child has a mentor, make sure the circumstances are such that there are other people nearby.

Babysitters - Don't hire just any teenager.  Know your babysitter's values.  Use only sitters whose actions and words align and whose lives show strong evidence of healthy boundaries.  It is inconvenient to not be able to go out on a date with your husband.  It is far worse to go out using a babysitter who may hurt a child.  Err on the side of safety.  It is inadvisable to use a sitter who is male.  Statistically speaking, there is a far greater risk of males perpetrating sexual crime.  That said, statistics about offending females are rising.  Be wise.

Online activity -Do you know your child's Facebook password?  Do you know who their friends are?  In our family, we have the passwords for our underage children's Facebook and email accounts.  We reserve the right to inspect all online accounts without notice.  We do this in a spirit of love and protection.  It gives our children a sense of accountability and they understand it is for their protection.  We also use a quality internet filter with excellent parental controls.  Once again, education is paramount.

5. Accountability – When you set a boundary it must be upheld. No exceptions. If you are led to avoid sleepovers, then set the rule and enforce it in love. The only thing your child will miss out on is the potential of sexual abuse. If you don't allow your child to sleep over, then don't throw a sleep over party at your house. What is good for the goose, is good for the gander. Be consistent. Don't let anyone lull you into false sense of security. Create boundaries and enforce them. Don't back down.

Remember, this is not about trust. We are not here to trust other people. We are here to trust the Lord Jesus Christ. We are here to love the Lord with all of our heart, mind and soul. We are here to love others as we love ourselves. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We can love others and protect our children. Creating and upholding boundaries is a loving act. It provides protection to both the potential victim and the potential abuser.

 

What About the Church?

 

The Abel Harlow Child Molestation Prevention Study found that 93% of sexual offenders identified themselves as religious. In the book, “Predators, Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders,” by Dr. Anna Salter, a sexual offender is quoted as saying,

“I considered church people easy to fool…they have a trust that comes from being Christians. They tend to be better folks all around and seem to want to believe in the good that exists in people.”

Unrepentant sexual offenders are expert liars and manipulators. They are deeply deceived. Studies show that most parents are unable to tell when an adult is lying to them.  Protecting our children has nothing to do with trusting others. It is certainly not about believing that good exists in people. It is about seeing people as they really are – as sinners. When we walk in the light of Christ, we can see the truth and are in a better position to protect our children.

Finally, please read and consider Sex Offenders in the Pew at Christianity Today. This article talks about how sexual offenders have become like the leper of Biblical times, offers information on recidivism, treatment plans, and provides models of how some churches are living the gospel as they walk in both grace and accountability in handling sexual sin within their membership. 

There is no need to fear. We simply need to keep our eyes open and our hearts focused on Jesus, as we actively follow Him.

Grateful for grace,