Hope for Discouraged Moms of Tweens and Teens

[caption id="attachment_1953" align="aligncenter" width="640"] photo courtesy of Steven Depolo[/caption]

Have you ever avoided confronting a tween or teen because you are afraid of what may happen? Are you weary of drama and so you will do anything to keep the peace? Do you hear yourself saying, "Oh no, not again," with dread pouring into your soul as your child ramps up for another emotional whirlwind? Have you ever hid in the bathroom, praying for sanity to return?

The period of time between the ages of eleven and fourteen is often a time of bumpy transition and sometimes moms are caught off guard.  I know this has been true of me recently.  I've been down this road with three boys, and now I'm traveling with a girl!  I'm so thankful that the Lord encourages me in His Word and has surrounded me with mom-friends who have walked this road before!

If you are traveling this road for the first time, I want to encourage you with what I've learned on my own journey with youths in this age range.

Think about the pubescent adolescent:

• Mood swings, brought on by raging hormones, cause major growth spurts and changes to the body. This is an enormous period of transition which effectively propels the young person from a position of childhood towards a position of adulthood.


• The brain is not yet fully developed and this affects logical thinking and memory. The young person has trouble thinking clearly and this can lead to risk taking and wrong thinking.


• The young person is beginning to experiment with independence and this causes them to pull away from parents. They begin to resist the parenting relationship, and often desire more control over their circumstances.

In a nutshell, this time in a child's life can be challenging and we must be armed with firm resolve, trust in the Lord (leaning on Jesus, rather than our own understanding), and abundant grace.

Firm Resolve

A common tactic of the devil is to cause fear that leads to discouragement. In Nehemiah 6, the temple has just been rebuilt. The people poured their lives into this effort...working tirelessly during the day, then taking up arms to guard it by night. Sanballat, aka, "Thorn in Secret," Tobiah, and Geshem the Arab sent message after message requesting Nehemiah's presence because their desire was to harm him. When Nehemiah refused to be lured away, (because he discerned their plan), they sent an open letter that falsely accused him of a rebellious coup. Yet, Nehemiah did not budge.

"For all of them were trying to frighten us, thinking "They will become discouraged with the work and it will not be done." But now, O God, strengthen my hands." ~Nehemiah 6:9

Mom, expect the attacks of the enemy. He is going to try to make you fearful and discouraged. Like Nehemiah, see it for what it is and decide now to continue your work as a wife and mother. In doing this, you are building the kingdom of God.

Trust in the Lord

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones. ~Proverbs 3:5-8

As a mom with some experience, I tend to think I know what is best for each of my children. Yet, each one of my children has had different needs during this time in their lives. I have learned that parenting formulas do not work. What worked for Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Stanley, Lou Priolo, Tedd Tripp, and others, doesn't necessarily work in my family. All of these men have much wisdom to offer, but if I were to recommend a parenting resource or a prescription for success, I would simply say:

• Study the Word of God everyday and seek God with all of your heart, mind and soul.


• Submit to the Lord.Obey His Word.


• Do not trust in your own understanding. Be willing to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2) God desires to sanctify you as you grow your child up for Him.


• See every difficulty as an opportunity to learn Jesus more deeply.


• Check your attitude towards your child.  Do you see them as an annoying teen, or as a growing youth?  Remember, children are born persons.  As God's children, they too, deserve our respect.

It has helped me to remember that my young people are watching me.  I must model trust in God, submission and faith.

Abundant Grace

The grace to respect our children as persons created by God.

The grace to love, no matter what.

The grace to forgive 7 x 70.

The grace to cuddle a child, who has pushed all of our emotional and mental buttons all day long.

The grace to communicate kindly and firmly, yet gently.

The grace to tell the truth, even when we know our children will not respond as we hope.

The grace to allow natural consequences.

The grace to encourage and support our children who have experienced those consequences.

The grace to hold our tongues, and not indulge our fleshly attitudes.

The grace to never let the sun go down on our anger.

The grace to keep on going when times are tough - to be fully committed to our child - especially when we are uncomfortable.

The grace to die to self.

The grace to fully love our children, as God loves us.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.  When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. ~1 Corinthians 13

For further reading:  The Myth of the Teenager

Grateful for grace,



 

 

Homeschooling: When Expectation Meets Reality

[caption id="attachment_1892" align="aligncenter" width="640"] Photo courtesy of Carissa Rogers[/caption]

 

We've been homeschooling for seventeen years.  If I've learned anything it is that reality is very different from expectation, and if we are too focused on expectations, we may miss out on the opportunities that God wants us to use to teach our children about Him.

This week we began homeschooling after a long summer of rest.  We usually school year round, but I gave my daughter the summer off because she had a rough year with math.  We both needed a break.  So when I began to plan our week, I carefully crafted an easy week - a transition back into learning.  My expectation was that my daughter would gratefully and pleasantly go about her learning with enthusiasm and patience.

Gulp.

Okay, stop laughing.

Day 1 was met with groans and attitude.

Day 2 was met with frustration and exasperation.

Day 3 was full meltdown, complete with tears.

At first I wanted to be angry.  After all, I had spent time being careful with my plans.  I had not planned anything that was beyond her ability.  I felt she was being selfish, and rebellious.  I was done. with. the. drama. Then God whopped me upside my heart and told me to listen to HER heart - that the words she chose to use indicated a deeper issue.  On Day 4, I sat with her because she had become upset during a writing lesson.  The assignment was to write about a pet peeve.  She said she didn't have any pet peeves and melted into a puddle of hot tears.  I asked her if her pet peeve might be stupid writing assignments.  She laughed and said, "yes."  She then spent the next few minutes dictating the following words to me:

"I can't stand stupid writing assignments.  I feel frustrated.  It makes me mad.  I don't want to do it and I don't like to write.  I can't think of anything and when I do I can't put it down on paper.  I kind of feel forced.  My brain just stops.  I feel stressed."

Performance anxiety

I've been there too.  Before she wrote the assignment I thought she was just being whiny and rebellious.  I threw up my own brick walls and steeled myself to make her complete the assignment.  But then the Holy Spirit said, "Stop," and led me to reach down into my own heart to see the muck and mire there.  Then He helped me explore what might be in her heart to find the root of the matter.  Isn't it such a great temptation to "make," our children jump through the hoops - to force them to overcome?  We think we're helping them, but what we are really doing is helping ourselves.  We don't want the fuss and the mess of meltdown.  We think, "Just do it," but when we do that we are disregarding the gift that God is giving us - an opportunity to know Jesus better.

I was reminded of several things on this day:

I needed to remember to avoid making assumptions about my child. What appears to be "attitude," may really be something deeper.

I needed to take the plank out of my own eye.  I have more experience, but I have not arrived.  I was having just as much "attitude," as my daughter.  I was frustrated. I wanted the assignment to be done.  The walls flew up, but then Jesus held me accountable.

While it is important that my daughter learns how to write, there is a much more important lesson to learn. Just like me, she needs to learn how to cope with her anxiety, and ultimately, how to rest in God's grace when faced with challenging assignments.

It is always best to follow God's plan, rather than my lesson plan.  I thought I was teaching writing on this day, but the lesson turned out to be about how grace and trust overcomes anxiety and fear.

What the enemy meant for discouragement and friction between my daughter and I, was transformed into an opportunity for us to unite in Jesus.

God is so good!

So grateful for His grace,



For more encouragement on living in the moment and participating in God's plan within your homeschooling, I recommend the following resource:





 

The Recipe Notebook

I have been blessed over the years to accumulate many recipes from friends, co-workers and relatives.  Rarely are the recipes ever in the form of a recipe card like the ones that my mother kept.  Rather, they were scribbled on pieces of paper, or shared online, or passed down from a great grandmother on stationary, then copied by grandmother and passed to my mother, and then copied again to be passed to me.  A few years ago, I decided to create a recipe notebook.

[caption id="attachment_1757" align="aligncenter" width="400"] My Great Grandma Violet Rowley-Teunick's War Cake Recipe[/caption]

 

Not only did I like that I could organize the recipes by type, but I could also preserve the handwriting of my friends and family.  I know many women love to make their notebooks pretty, but I really needed mine to be functional.  I wanted something that was going to be durable and I didn't want to worry about spills and messes while I was cooking.

 

 

Supplies you will need:

a heavy duty, three inch, three ring binder
page protectors - begin with a pack of fifty
page dividers
your favorite recipes
Organize your recipes in the way that makes most sense to you.  I keep it simple.  I have a category for:

 

Soups/Stews

Chicken

Beef

Pork

Fish

Veggies

Baking (Cakes, Pies, Cookies, etc...)

Secret Family Recipes

 

I have a friend who decided to organize her book based on who gave her the recipes:

 

Grandma Smith

Great Grandma Taylor

Aunt Christy

Kate

Ellen

Paula

 

My friend has an amazing mind and she can recall who gave her which recipe and she knows right where to look.  But me?  I'd be lost!  So choose a system that works for you.

Once you decide how to organize your recipes, label your page dividers, and begin filling your page protectors with recipes.  Don't skip the page protectors!  We all mean to be careful, but spills and splotches happen!

Keep an extra supply of page protectors on hand.  I usually try a recipe at least twice before I add it to my notebook.  My notebook is only for the recipes I want to keep for regular or future use.  It has a pocket in the front, so I usually keep untried recipes there, and then if we decide we like them, I pop them into a page protector and file it in its proper place.  I try to remember to make a note on the recipe about how well my family liked it and if I needed to make any changes to the ingredients.

I enjoy the order my notebook has brought to my kitchen.  I no longer have to rummage through a tiny box for folded, oil stained scraps of paper.  Nor do I have to guess where I last left a recipe, "Did I leave it in the kitchen drawer? Or did I fold it up in the cookbook?" - while my hungry family waits for supper.  A little bit of organization now prevents much frustration later.  Who knew a notebook could help us be happier homemakers?

 

Many blessings,

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Organize a Chore Routine

Sometimes mothers feel compelled to do it all. We have many responsibilities to juggle and some how we feel that if we can successfully keep all the balls in the air, we can prove our worth to the world. The world says that we are, “just mothers.”  Matt Walsh brilliantly refutes the word, “just,” in an article titled, “You're a Stay At Home Mom. What Do You Do All Day?” In this encouraging article he puts the word “just,” to rest.

“Yes, my wife is JUST a mother. JUST. She JUST brings forth life into the universe, and she JUST shapes and molds and raises those lives. She JUST manages, directs and maintains the workings of the household, while caring for children who JUST rely on her for everything. She JUST teaches our twins how to be human beings, and, as they grow, she will JUST train them in all things, from morals, to manners, to the ABC’s, to hygiene, etc. She is JUST my spiritual foundation and the rock on which our family is built. She is JUST everything to everyone. And society would JUST fall apart at the seams if she, and her fellow moms, failed in any of the tasks I outlined.  Yes, she is just a mother. Which is sort of like looking at the sky and saying, “hey, it’s just the sun.”

Mother, grasp that truth! Nothing you do should be belittled. You are important. Your worth is not dependent on your success at emulating Wonder Woman. So choose wisdom! A wise woman knows she has limits and asks for help. She does not stuff her exhaustion, nor does she grow bitterness. The mom who is wise knows that working together as a family builds unity and refines character. Please don't hinder your family by trying to do it all.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="255"] The Rabbit Hutch by Helen Allingham 1848-1926[/caption]

So how does one organize a chore routine? This is what works for me.  You might like another method, but this might be a starting point.

1. 
   
   Consider all the chores that need to be done, broken down by rooms and/or spaces. (living room, bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, outside, garden, etc...) Write them down as soon as you think of them. Keep a list for a week and add to it anytime you remember another task.
   
   
   
   
   Example: In the bathroom, I wrote down the following chores:
   
   
   
   
   a.  Wipe countertop/Scrub sink and sink fixtures
   
   
   b.  Clean mirror
   
   
   c.  Wipe toilet with disinfectant wipe, scrub hinge area with brush
   
   
   d.  Clean inside toilet with cleaner/brush
   
   
   e.  Scrub bathtub/tiles/fixtures
   
   
   f.  Sweep/mop

2. 
   
   Determine how often each task needs to be performed. (Daily, once a week, twice a week, etc.)  Don't forget outdoor chores!

3. 
   
   
   
   Prayerfully consider who in your family is capable of accomplishing each task.  Remember that your children require patient training and accountability.  Please don't discount their abilities or potential. They want to emulate everything mommy does! Take advantage of their play. Invite them to sort socks, load the dryer, sweep the floor, and help you do the dishes. A little extra effort in training them when they are young, will teach them the very important message of, “I can!” Lavish them with your praise.
   
   Divide the chores between everyone in the family, so that no one is over burdened. If you have very young children, Mom and Dad will still have the bulk of the chores. I encourage you to re-evaluate this list every year. New chores can be shares with children who have grown in maturity.
   
   

4. 
   
   Now, write or type each family member's name on a piece of paper and list the chores they will be required to accomplish along with how often the tasks need to be done.

Katie, age 5
Sort clothes whites/colors ( twice weekly )
Bring soiled clothing to the laundry room ( twice weekly )
Set the table for dinner  ( daily )
Fold wash clothes and hand towels (twice weekly )
Help Mommy and Daddy load the dishwasher  ( daily )
Pick up toys in Living Room  ( twice daily )
Tidy bedroom  ( twice daily )
Put away toilet paper in bathrooms on shopping day  ( weekly )
Help put away groceries on shopping day ( weekly )

5. 
   
   
   

   Next, decide when you want the chores to be done. I have discovered that two chore periods a day, keeps the atmosphere in our home much more tidy and relaxed. We do our chores once in the morning, and then again after dinner. Experiment to find what works for you.  Choose times that seem sensible for chores. We do chores after breakfast and Bible are done in the morning, and then again right after dinner.

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Now look at each family member's chore list. Divide their chores into the time frame that you have decided upon.
   
   Note:  In our family, I have designed a routine for the weekdays and one for the weekends that includes yard work or tasks that require a team.
   
   Once you finalize your task routines, type up a list complete with boxes to check off as they accomplish each chore. Slip each list into a page protector and post it on the refrigerator. Attach a dry erase marker to make it easy to check them off. For very young children you can use pictures to depict a chore, rather than words.
   
   

Katie, age 5 – Morning Chores
Help Mommy load the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher
Pick up morning toys
Sort laundry and bring clothes to the laundry room
Fold wash clothes and hand towels

Katie, age 5 – Evening Chores
Set table for dinner
Wipe table off with a soft cloth
Help Daddy put the dishes into the dishwasher
Pick up evening toys
Tidy bedroom before story-time

Katie, age 5 – Weekend Chores
Help Mommy put away the groceries
Make sure there is toilet paper in both bathrooms

6. Call a Family Circle to introduce the new routine, explaining its necessity and encouraging everyone that they are a vital component in making home feel and function better.

7. Take a couple of weeks to train children in the chores you have assigned them. First show them how to do the chore, then do it with them. Finally, release them to do it themselves. Encourage their successes and gently correct their mistakes. Regularly inspect their work. Require them to repeat the chore if it is done poorly. Determine now to use your words in a way that encourages children to want to do a good job.

8. Be prepared to tweak your routine and chore assignments as necessary.

With a bit of hard work and patient perseverance, you will be enjoying a tidy and more organized home.

Many blessings,



 

 

 

 



 

 

Supporting Our Kids When They Hate Math

This year we have had a tough time with math. My daughter dislikes it so much that at the mention of math, a grimace appears on her face and a stone tower erupts from the floor barricading her from any possible mathematical threat. Of course, there is no actual tower – no, the stone tower appears just by the look on her face and the stiffness of her countenance. Have you all seen such a look? When that stone tower appeared this year, I felt defeated and most of the time, we hadn't even begun the lesson for the day! I'm sure my daughter felt the same way.

So what's a mom to do? We can't give our children permission never to do a math lesson again, right?

If we were a perfect family, I could have pulled out a giant box of math manipulatives and games and my daughter would have gleefully exclaimed her appreciation and glad participation. A few days of this would reset any bad attitudes and refresh us for new learning, right? Sounds like a great blog post! The truth is, however, we are not a perfect family and I wasn't sure that games were going to get us over this rough spot.

So, I did what most moms would do.

I prayed for wisdom.

I required participation and looked for the reason behind her math angst.

I adjusted the amount of problems that she needed to do – eliminating those that were mastered.

We spent time reviewing a foundational area that was not mastered and was causing frustration.

I re-evaluated our curriculum and researched alternatives with different review styles.

I did not let my daughter give up, but neither did I allow her think she had no choices or options.

I encouraged her to trust God, to be obedient, and to learn His grace in her difficulty.

More than anything, I made sure my daughter knew that I was there to help and support her. There are certain things that must be done. Math is one of them. Yet, I didn't want this to be a power struggle. I needed to reach her heart, so I worked hard to let grace reign in my words and actions.

Our math struggles have not ended, but the stone tower has not erupted out of the floor as often. I think my daughter just needed to know that what she thinks and feels matters to me, that she is not alone and without help. That's what we all need, right?

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” ~Isaiah 41:10-13

 

So grateful,

Today is Your Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Grace!

Is It My Birthday Yet?

Brand New

1st Birthday

Pretty in Pink

Eighteen months in Aunt Linda's Garden

Two years old with big brother Sam

I'm three and playing with rubber ducky!



Three and half..."Is it my birthday yet?"

(Gracie has been asking about her birthday since January.)

Almost honey, only a few more days to go!

Will You Marry Me?

I decided that my bridal veil was already far outdated (very 80's) and thought Grace would have fun playing with it. So I dug it out of the hermetically sealed gown box this weekend. (Then fastidiously sealed it back up.) Here Grace is enjoying a kiss from Prince Charming.

The veil is far too big for her and you can't see that it is supposed to sit on top of her head with it coming to a teardrop point on her forehead. I think Grace looks much better in it this way, anyhow. Such a cutie! She spent the weekend marrying Daddy.

My Little Homemaker

"I was cleaning for Daddy, so he would see a clean house."

Vrooom!

Grace made this car all by herself, complete with picnic plate steering wheel. I only helped her by securing the vehicle via shoulder straps. This was her all day project on Friday. Great Fun!

A side view. Grace took great care in placing the stickers in just the right spots.

Brothers and Sisters

These two kiddos are the best of friends. Really.

Yesterday, my daughter was caught in the act of picking her nose. This is a conversation that occurred between she and my son, Andrew.

Andrew: Grace, little girls should not pick their noses. You might accidentally pick out your brain.

Grace immediately pulled her finger out of her nose and looked intently at the buggar on her finger.

Grace: My brain?

Andrew: It's okay Grace, put your brain back in.

(Mom is now rolling her eyes.)

Grace, without hesitation, but very carefully, put the buggar in her ear.

{sighs}

I Am Lion, Hear Me Roar...

Some of the most used play items in our home are dress up outfits. We have made quite an investment over the past fifteen years in pretend wear. This lion outfit was bought for Matthew in 1996. Each child has worn it and has had much fun roaring at Daddy, Mommy, or an older brother. Now it's Gracie's turn to be a lion. I'm a bit sad because there will come a time when it lies at the bottom of the dress up bin and fades into obscurity. In the meantime, I will relish every, "Roooaaaarrrrrrrrrrr."

A Sleepy Fairy

Gracie spends a short time each day playing at Starfall. On this day, after playing ballerina in her Tinkerbell costume, she fell asleep while learning her ABC's. (And this picture reminds me that I must dust and declutter my desk!)

More on Gracie's definition of "Everything."

Today Gracie and I stopped by Publix. She has a head cold and a fever. To help her handle all of the uncomfortable symptoms, we bought:

Popsicles
Icecream
Frozen Waffles (Don't know why these help...but she insisted they would make her better.)

When we arrived home, she crawled up into my lap and said,

"Mom, you are the best Mom ever. I love you. You buy me everything."

I Hear You Loud and Clear

"Just listen to your children…God will speak through them to let you know if your priorities are right."

A very sweet, softspoken homeschooling mom gave me this quote from Debbie Strayer, yesterday. After a very long couple of weeks with Grace, it became increasingly clear to me yesterday that this was not the season for me to take on any extra projects. I wrote an apology note to my homeschool group explaining my circumstances and apologizing for not being able to organize a used book sale. I received a heartfelt note from this fellow homeschool mom that spoke directly to my heart.

I felt the Holy Spirit stir within my heart. The truth was evident. Yesterday, God answered a prayer that I had been bringing to the Lord for two or three months now.

My little girl needs me. She needs much more positive time with Mommy.

I hear God's voice loud and clear. I will act on what He has given me. He has been so good to me to show me clearly that my priorities needed to be reordered and a different course of action taken.

For My Birthday

Grace: "Mommy can I have everything for my birthday?"

Me: "Can you be more specific?"

Grace: "Yes. I want everything."

Gracie Girl

Gracie resting outside of the print shop at Cracker Country.

She said, "This picture is for Daddy."

Mommy, I Want an Elephant

Today we bought Gracie an elephant at Goodwill. She saw the elephant in the stuffed animal bin and it was two dollars. I was in the process of telling her I would think about it when an announcement came over the loud speaker that all toys and stuffed animals were now fifty percent off.

So Gracie got the elephant.

Later in the day, Gracie says,

"Mommy, elephants like to be scratched on their backs."

"Elephants like to be rided on. They can take you somewhere."

"Elephants only eat nuts."

"Mommy can we get a real elephant?"

This girl is too smart! First she points out that elephants are affectionate, then argues for their usefulness, and makes it clear that they are low maintenance (in that they "only" eat nuts). Only after making her points clear does she reveal her real intent: Elephant ownership.

Oh my!