photo courtesy of Steven Depolo[/caption]Have you ever avoided confronting a tween or teen because you are afraid of what may happen? Are you weary of drama and so you will do anything to keep the peace? Do you hear yourself saying, "Oh no, not again," with dread pouring into your soul as your child ramps up for another emotional whirlwind? Have you ever hid in the bathroom, praying for sanity to return?
The period of time between the ages of eleven and fourteen is often a time of bumpy transition and sometimes moms are caught off guard. I know this has been true of me recently. I've been down this road with three boys, and now I'm traveling with a girl! I'm so thankful that the Lord encourages me in His Word and has surrounded me with mom-friends who have walked this road before!
If you are traveling this road for the first time, I want to encourage you with what I've learned on my own journey with youths in this age range.
Think about the pubescent adolescent:
- Mood swings, brought on by raging hormones, cause major growth spurts and changes to the body. This is an enormous period of transition which effectively propels the young person from a position of childhood towards a position of adulthood.
- The brain is not yet fully developed and this affects logical thinking and memory. The young person has trouble thinking clearly and this can lead to risk taking and wrong thinking.
- The young person is beginning to experiment with independence and this causes them to pull away from parents. They begin to resist the parenting relationship, and often desire more control over their circumstances.
In a nutshell, this time in a child's life can be challenging and we must be armed with firm resolve, trust in the Lord (leaning on Jesus, rather than our own understanding), and abundant grace.
Firm Resolve
A common tactic of the devil is to cause fear that leads to discouragement. In Nehemiah 6, the temple has just been rebuilt. The people poured their lives into this effort...working tirelessly during the day, then taking up arms to guard it by night. Sanballat, aka, "Thorn in Secret," Tobiah, and Geshem the Arab sent message after message requesting Nehemiah's presence because their desire was to harm him. When Nehemiah refused to be lured away, (because he discerned their plan), they sent an open letter that falsely accused him of a rebellious coup. Yet, Nehemiah did not budge.
"For all of them were trying to frighten us, thinking "They will become discouraged with the work and it will not be done." But now, O God, strengthen my hands." ~Nehemiah 6:9
Mom, expect the attacks of the enemy. He is going to try to make you fearful and discouraged. Like Nehemiah, see it for what it is and decide now to continue your work as a wife and mother. In doing this, you are building the kingdom of God.
Trust in the Lord
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones. ~Proverbs 3:5-8
As a mom with some experience, I tend to think I know what is best for each of my children. Yet, each one of my children has had different needs during this time in their lives. I have learned that parenting formulas do not work. What worked for Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Stanley, Lou Priolo, Tedd Tripp, and others, doesn't necessarily work in my family. All of these men have much wisdom to offer, but if I were to recommend a parenting resource or a prescription for success, I would simply say:
- Study the Word of God everyday and seek God with all of your heart, mind and soul.
- Submit to the Lord.Obey His Word.
- Do not trust in your own understanding. Be willing to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2) God desires to sanctify you as you grow your child up for Him.
- See every difficulty as an opportunity to learn Jesus more deeply.
- Check your attitude towards your child. Do you see them as an annoying teen, or as a growing youth? Remember, children are born persons. As God's children, they too, deserve our respect.
It has helped me to remember that my young people are watching me. I must model trust in God, submission and faith.
Abundant Grace
The grace to respect our children as persons created by God.
The grace to love, no matter what.
The grace to forgive 7 x 70.
The grace to cuddle a child, who has pushed all of our emotional and mental buttons all day long.
The grace to communicate kindly and firmly, yet gently.
The grace to tell the truth, even when we know our children will not respond as we hope.
The grace to allow natural consequences.
The grace to encourage and support our children who have experienced those consequences.
The grace to hold our tongues, and not indulge our fleshly attitudes.
The grace to never let the sun go down on our anger.
The grace to keep on going when times are tough - to be fully committed to our child - especially when we are uncomfortable.
The grace to die to self.
The grace to fully love our children, as God loves us.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love. ~1 Corinthians 13
For further reading: The Myth of the Teenager
Grateful for grace,
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Creaky gate? Noisy Gong? Nope...I know your words will be thoughtful and kind! Thanks for taking the time to comment!