Heart Lessons in Dating and Courtship: A Mother's Perspective

Courtship versus Dating and when?

We've always leaned toward courtship, but something about it never settled into our hearts.  There was something wrong with the, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," lifestyle.  God never gave us a peace about it. Our oldest boys never dated during high school, so we weren't overly concerned with having to figure it out quickly.

Then life slammed us.  Our youngest son, at age sixteen, became interested in a nice Christian girl at church.  Her parents felt responsible dating was a healthy thing.  How else would young people get to know what they wanted in a spouse, develop relationship skills, and whatnot?  Seemed reasonable.  After all, I had been reading many articles criticizing the legalism attached to courtship, and maybe courtship needed to be tossed out the window with Bill Gothard, Doug Wilson and others who had been pouring their errant philosophies into the homeschooling community at large.

 As I searched the Word of God, I didn't see a mandate for courtship, or for dating.  Ultimately, we allowed the young couple to date and they fell in love.  I wish that was the beginning of a happily ever after, but it wasn't.  You see, they fell in love before they really knew each other.  It was a hard experience to walk through.  After two years, they ended their relationship. They both learned some hard lessons and that is their story to tell, but I learned quite a bit as a parent.

1.  Long term emotional relationships are for adults who are prepared for marriage.  They are for adults who know their boundaries and are responsible for themselves.  They should not need anyone to drive them on their dates, or remind them to do their schoolwork. They should be mature enough to have healthy communication skills and coping mechanisms.

2.  Mostly importantly, young adults (those in their teens) should focus on growing strong in Christ.  They must have time to become strong in Him, so that they can walk into relationships with emotional and spiritual health.

Another hard lesson was learned when an adult son met a girl whose parents were courtship minded. The mother of the girl said she didn't know what the rules of courtship were because, "they'd never done this before."  After extensively encouraging my son to pursue their daughter, they began restricting their interaction. For example, they were no longer allowed to sit next to each other on group outings and there always had to be a third party present. The parents seemed too involved and even a bit contradictory. There were a lot of mixed messages and it caused quite a bit of hurt between our families, but I count it as grace because it taught us that we are NOT a courtship family. It quickly became apparent to our son (and us as well) that this was not a healthy situation for him.  After much seeking and discussion we settled the matter in our hearts.

1.  A marriage is between two adult people.  It is not between two adult people and all of the in-laws and a chaperon. Marriage is between one man and one woman. Therefore, individuals who are seeking a partner in life should both be grown up enough to handle a relationship on their own with Jesus as the authority.  They must both be strong enough to know what their individual boundaries are and be able to enforce them.  They must have the confidence to seek the Lord and do what He requires.

My son decided courtship was not for him, and more importantly, he chose to be patient.  He waited on the Lord, and the Lord brought a confident, Jesus loving, beautiful woman into his life.  They have been dating with a purpose - marriage.  They are just beginning pre-marital counseling and it is a joy to watch them create a healthy foundation for their lives.  When I see them, I see Jesus.

We are not a courtship family, but we have come to believe that dating is an adult privilege and responsibility.  Friendship is always a good foundation from which to start and when two people are prepared to find a life partner, then responsible, purposeful dating is healthy and good.

If you would like to learn more about healthy dating, I recommend Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships.  John Townsend and Henry Cloud provide sound encouragement for those who are ready to seek a life partner.

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Grateful for grace,