Seasons of Change

We knew, going into the New Year, that we were entering a season of change. Change is a bit frightening to us, but in a way it is also a relief. Finally we'll get unstuck, free to do what God has planned for us. But the Lord has had to do some ground work in preparing us for the coming changes.

In the past year God has been teaching me about surrender. I thought I was a fairly obedient woman...but I had no idea what true surrender meant. Obedience is outward. Surrender is about the heart. I've always been fairly good about obeying. I was the teacher's pet in school and people often called me, "the quiet and good girl." Even after first trusting Christ, I immediately set to work in becoming a good Christian wife and mother. Yes, this effort was led by God and did involve real surrender, but it was easy for me because I saw the decrepitness of my own heart at that time and craved to make it better. In other words, I was highly motivated and God rewarded me with huge blessings.

The kind of surrender God has been asking of me in the past year is not that kind of surrender. We're not talking about surrendering to share the gospel with someone, being kind to neighbors or how to be a sweet and gentle wife. No, I'm talking about agreeing with God that it was okay for Him to allow me to be abused as a child. Or receiving the fact that my life will never look like I thought it should. I wrongly assumed that my adult life would be better than my childhood, that God would fulfill all my dreams because of my childhood sufferings. And further that once I trusted Him that He would rain down physical blessings. I suppose, ultimately, that I wanted Heaven here on earth. This was compounded, sadly, by churches who taught wishy washy doctrine on God's sovereignty and variations of a theme running amok in many churches today; the idea that if you trust Christ He will bless you monetarily. This is not an absolute truth! Just talk to the Christians in Sudan...

This year dreams died, expectations were crucified and I learned that I must follow God even when it hurts. He gave me no outward reward for learning this surrender. I look no differently, other than I've gained a few wrinkles and have added several more strands of grey to my, "crown of glory." But somehow I do carry a reward. I learned to carry my Cross. I have received strength to bear pain with grace and suffer with patience. God made me a little more like His son, Jesus. There is tremendous comfort in the fellowship I find with Christ in Cross-bearing.

This week we learned that God is beginning to move on the changes He has prepared for us in the New Year. My husband's employer is retiring and is selling the firm to an associate. We have no idea what that means for my husband's job. We are praying for God's will on this issue as well as a few others. At first I panicked and became angry. I realized it was because I wanted control over the coming changes. I didn't want to be "forced," to make changes, at the whim of the world. I wanted to choose the changes. My husband quickly reminded me that throughout the Bible, it was God who initiated change. It was rarely the people first. So I surrender and wait. I pray and hope that nothing too bad will happen. But if it does, I know God is sovereign and He will provide us the tools to adapt, learn and grow.

We are looking at changes pertaining to a new career, more education, and our family's spiritual health and growth. For myself, I find myself challenged to become a better helpmeet to my husband by using my gift of writing. I'm considering freelance, writing a book, etc... I'm also praying for wisdom in regards to my ministry. God has grown it in amazing ways lately. That is both scary and exciting for me.

Ultimately, without having learned surrender I know I would not be handling these changes well. I'm so thankful that God worked so hard on me last year. I remember nightly tears, anger, bitterness and heart wrenching grief...all wrestled out and laid bare. His grace showered me, creating a tender, yet strengthened heart.

I am so deeply grateful for His grace,