War of Words - Chapter 8 - Practical Steps

Chapter Eight, "Getting to the Destination," is filled with the practical steps that will help us begin to speak more like Christ.

1.  Don't give into regret.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of playing the "If Only," game.  If only I had spoken more kindly.  If only I could take my words back.  If only I had been more mature.  "If Only," is a destructive distraction - a tool of the devil.  You can't go back and change anything.  God was certainly working in your past, but He is not working there now.  He is at work in your present.  God always gives us what we need when He thinks we need it.  His timing is perfect.  So, we must trust in His grace and join Him in His work right now.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~Romans 8:28

2.  Embrace gospel hope.  Pastor Tripp encourages us to see our communication struggles as sin that can be overcome by the blood of Jesus.  We must never see our struggles as a sign that God has abandoned us.  That is a lie! 

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.^{" ~Psalm 46:1-3}

God knew that we would need help and that is why He gave us the Holy Spirit.  It is in the power of the Holy Spirit that we will overcome the War of Words.

^"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:20-21

3.  Examine your fruit.  We all need a foundation of truth.  We shouldn't whitewash our sinful communication and hope for the best.  Before we can be transformed, we must see our behavior in the light of Christ.  We need to unpack our words and place everything on the table in full view.  Taking an inventory will position us to receive the important lessons that God is trying to teach us.  What is the general pattern of our communication?  Do our words lead to discouragement, condemnation and division?  Or do they encourage faith? "

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."  ~Galatians 6:7

4.  Uncover your roots.  The words that come from our mouths simply reflect what is already in our hearts. People and the circumstances that are in our lives do not make us speak in a certain way.  Mr. Tripp makes the point that our hearts control our words, and "People and situations simply provide the occasion for the heart to express itself."

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." ~Luke 6:45

5.  Seek forgiveness.  The question here is, "What specific sins of communication (both heart and mouth -- see Luke 6:46) is the Lord calling me to confess to him or to others?"  When we seek forgiveness from God and others, we begin to turn from our old, unhealthy ways.  This is part of taking off the old self and putting on the new self. 

^"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." ~Ephesans 4:20-24

6.  Freely grant forgiveness.  This is a difficult, but crucial step in submitting our words to the Lord.  When we refuse to forgive those who have hurt us with their words, we are worshiping ourselves, rather than Jesus. I see forgiveness as an accounting ledger.  When someone sins against me, I transfer the debt of the offense to the Lord's column.  The debt remains there until Judgment Day - when the blood of Jesus will cancel the debt of those who trust in Him.  If the person does not trust in Christ, then sadly, the debt will be paid with their own blood.  I pray that does not happen.  I know Christ would want them to be saved, and I work at adopting the attitude of His heart.  When I refuse to forgive, I am not leaning toward Christ.  I am running away from Him and that attitude will always cause me difficulty in my communication with others.


7.  Change the rules.  Remember, in Step 5 we began to put off the old way and put on the new way.  Step 7 is the culmination of that process.  We commit to putting off the old, unhealthy ways of communication and instead choose to put on healthy, Biblical communication.  In fact, we're so committed that we are willing to be accountable to one another. 

^"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 Peter 1:3-8

8.  Look for opportunities.  See all your communication with others as an opportunity to learn the ways of Jesus.  This is a perspective shift.  Instead of dreading difficult communication, we can be bold as we learn to rely upon His leading as we speak with others.

9.  Choose your words.  Our words must be acceptable to God and they must be for the good of others.  I have learned that there is a right time for words as well.  We can choose to be the clanging cymbal in 1 Corinthians 13, if we speak without love.  We can choose to throw pearls to pigs, when we waste what is holy upon those who either do not value it, or are simply not ready for it.  Or, we can choose to be prudent with our words:

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word spoken in right circumstances." ~Proverbs 25:11

10. Confess your weaknesses.  The grace of Jesus covers us!  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Say, "No!" to the stained glass masquerade.  We don't have to be perfect to bring God glory. He knows our condition.  It is in our weakness that His power is made perfect.  Nothing will separate us from His love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:38-39

11.  Don't give the devil an opportunity.  Satan is a liar and an accuser.  We must commit ourselves to honesty and humility. Satan, "lives in the darkness.  He works in our silence.  When we bring issues into the light, when we put them on the table, we give him little room to work." (Paul David Tripp, War of Words, Getting to the Destination)  We need to be discerning of the enemy's methodology.  We should listen to others carefully and always speak truthfully.


Have you been tempted to believe the lies of the enemy?  Have you played the "If Only," game?  What communication regrets do you need to leave behind?

This is the third time I've read War of Words.  I am encouraged.  I see that God has helped me put off many bad habits and my communication has been changed for my good and His glory.  I still have a way to go.  I need to work on choosing my words even more carefully with the right heart motivation.  I also need to work on letting go of the need to be vindicated.  This quote came across Facebook last week and it has stayed with me all week:

“Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” (Augustine) Jesus lived with enormous freedom in this regard. How many times did He let people walk away without saying, “Wait! That’s not what I meant! Don’t think ill of me!” This spiritual strength will serve us so well in marriage and parenting, not to mention in work life and friendships." ~author, Gary Thomas

I care too much about what others think of me.  God has exposed an area in which I have work to do.  Make me more like you, Jesus.

Do you still need the book?  You can get it here: War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

Recommended Reading:

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy

A Lifelong Love: What If Marriage Is about More Than Just Staying Together?

And for my young, single friends:

The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

Grateful for grace,

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